Searching for Saffron
by Cold Angel1
Summary: a story involving Janos and a female of his race


Wee! Lots of mega direct song references here! or maybe just a couple. this is kinda short! i will do better next time. i started from a semi- random point in the story... i'll make up for whatever i skipped sometime ifya guys want me to. oh and because of the megally powerful angst demons here (they launched a full force invasion! O_O) i put a lil treat at the end of this chapter.....;) call it an after dinner mint or something, i dunnou. one other thing before i explain lots about the mint- Janos is NOT going to be gay in this story. it's possible to get the wrong idea by what i've done so far. so i wanted to tell you.  
  
About the mint-it's a yaoi citrus flavored mint! it's reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeely kinda cute! but ifya don't like that thing, ya have been duly warned.. no yaoi yet in the main story though so no worries for this chapter. ;) (least none yet... Vorador in a red speedo has possiblilities ^_~ kudos to whoever wrote the story with Voriekins playin strip poker, i was giggling happily for days ;) you rock! ^_^ __________________________  
  
"Erie?" He inquired, seeing my sprawled and depressed position on the floor.  
  
"..Leave me.", i mumbled, half incoherantly.  
  
He sat down on the floor beside me in a rustle of fabric. i bit my lip till i bled, and then began to suck the blood that flowed from the cut, rather than let him see me wipe it away and make him worry more. He pushed himself over to face me, drew his bent legs in tword his chest, wrapped two sinewy arms around them, and then began to speak.  
  
"Do you..want that?", he asked of me.  
  
i was unsure how to answer his question.. knowing that what is right, what will be for the best, and what i wanted were three very different things. Because i knew that something was going to give. And soon. So i spoke very carefully..  
  
"You ask me a...very difficult question..one that i will /not/ answer."  
  
Curses! Years of blackness! Careful, apparantly, ment /nothing/ to my wayward tounge. My statement /invited/ a challange. And too, was that a trace of the old arrogance i had worked so hard to eradicate!? What now? ..curses. i knew not. It lay in his hands now, how he would react.. Odin, Isis, whoever you may be or whatever you are.. please... Janos' steady eyes bore into mine.  
  
"I don't understand.. would you like to explain it to me?" he said, full of his compassion.  
  
"Go to /HELL/, Erishkreigal..", i thought to myself. "/FUCK./" What am i to do now? Like hell i could refuse an explanation to him, yet i think that's what i should do. The cut on my lip stopped it's bleeding and i sucked the remander of the blood before looking back up at him again. i reverted back to my inner child, i guess, and asked nervously in a plea for comfort, and for more time..  
  
"Can i sit in your lap?"  
  
He chuckled, and dropped his arms from his legs, which fell down to allow me passage.  
  
"Erie.. of course, Erie. Come sit on my lap."  
  
i crawled over to Janos and made my way onto his lap, careful to flatten my black wings tightly against my back. i didnt want him to be uncomfortable.  
  
The hell with it. i don't know, and i care too much to be able to do this right, so i'll screw up now. It all is going to happen /now/.  
  
"Janos... i love you. i want to be with you. But................i know. i_know!", i cried, suddenly turning in his lap to face him.  
  
"I....", he said, immediatly saddened.  
  
Jan..os..............  
  
i dug my hands into his thick ebon hair and stared widely, almost beeseechingly, into his tawny yellow eyes...but there was no comfort to be found. He gazed back at me with a mixture of remose, compassion, and pity...his angelic face held the emotions so beautifully..and completely cemented my shame.  
  
i was hit with a wave of nausea and despair so strong that i found myself sliding out of his lap onto the dark grey slate floor. i could barely keep my face from betraying myself. He felt pity for me... Janos, my /god!/ i don't want your pity. Rising back up, i felt his eyes upon me, warm spots on my back, yet needles in my heart. i swung my head up and around from staring at the floor, i had to face him... his own face, he looked so sorry, so incredibly sorry... i bit the inside of my lip again so hard i could taste the blood flowing and welling up in the bottom of my mouth immediatly after my teeth had cleaved the skin. Hell with it. My mind is not my own..  
  
He spoke my name gently...sorrowfully. "Erishkriegal.."  
  
i was spastic, i quaked and winced, knowing full well that my heart lay cracked and wreaked beyond repair. i tried to gather it up and raised my eyes to my terrible angelic inquisitor, and i spoke in raspy, haunted tones that seemed not to be my own.  
  
"Lo! ..But i'd rather death to come to me before i am spoken to with such a pity inflicted voice, /honoured/ one!"  
  
i closed my eyes in a attempt to calm myself, then violently spread out my ebon wings, as if accenting my anguished speech. Pain. i saw it in his eyes, in his twitchy uncertain movements, in his_being_..  
  
"Child..!" he pleaded, eyes still on my spread eagle form  
  
"Janos! ...i'm no longer a child!," i bit at him bitterly. "i am not /your/ child! i am Erishkreigal Silbermoon, and i stand here today as a adult, fully grown, but now lowly as the floor that supports our feet. /Please/, spare me, lightbringer! Spare yourself.. you know what i know and i know what you know, and.. that is all there is.. all is lost."  
  
There was no need to turn around to see his reaction to my short speech.. i didn't want to, anyway. Right now i'd beaten down most of my sense of morals, but i'd be overwhelmed.. if i saw him. So i took flight from his aerie, fast, my wings beating at the most blistering pace they'd ever been forced to speed at. He might follow me, maybe he wouldn't, maybe i'm completly self absorbed in only speaking of myself.. that is but all i know..perhaps. i don't know. i need to get away.  
  
The cold air welcomed me in a chilling embrace as i flew into it's frigid arms, a cold respite. i knew not my destination, other than escape.. temporary salvation. My wings worked tirelessly to propel me foward. But it was so /cold/.. However, the wind streaming past me bit away any trace of exertion, and blocked my mind from all thought, save to keep going...keep moving.  
  
Then, finally, my strength began to dwindle.. and finally retreat all together. i felt myself begin to fall into a steady glide to the barren, snowy Nosgoth plateu which lay below me.  
  
i felt nothing as i hit the snow ground and moved only to blanket myself with my wings, for dreamless sleep overtook me nearly immediatly. Finally, i could rest, and when i awoke, piece myself back together again. But, rest.. _____________________  
  
Everything will be all right, everything will be just fine, so take what love that lies in the light.  
  
Everything will be all right, everything will be just fine, sometimes i swear that i can hear them taunting from behind the line... _____________________  
  
*giggles* Okie...here is your reward for suffering through the evilly powerful fangs of angst! ;) Hope ya like it! it ain't all that great, but hell, are any christmas carols that great? *is hit with a rock* i know, i know, there are, but NOT the christmas song anyways.. silly Adam Sandler...x_x But wouldnt it be better if they sang 'em more like this? ^_~  
  
Oouh.. I /saw/ Razi kissing JAANIE-Clawz! Right up in that old aerie last night ^_~ Inside the twilight's sight Under a full moon's light :) They were holdin' each other real tight! ~cos~ I saw Razklee kissin JAANIE-Clawz! xD Highlighted by festive stars that night What a laugh it would have beeeen Had Kain-man only seen (hehehehehe ;) Razki kissin Jannie-Claws last night!  
  
i'll do another christmas carol for the next chapter i'll put up if you'll like. ^_^ thanks lots for reading!! i really appriciate it. 


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